We’re Getting Psychological Safety Wrong…

Psychological safety is a powerful principle. But I think we’re getting a huge part of it wrong.

Recently, I had a conversation with one of the smartest people I know—we’ll call him Joe. Joe shared a story about a moment when he was completely in his element: sharp, confident, articulate, even under pressure while interacting with some very high-powered individuals. And almost in the same breath, he described a second experience—this time presenting to executives—where he was tongue-tied, visibly nervous, and, in his words, “utterly forgettable.”

Same person. Same brain. Same professional capabilities. So what changed?

Joe didn’t say this out loud, but I could hear it underneath: In one moment, he felt psychologically safe. In the other, he didn’t.

But here's where it gets interesting: this wasn’t just about the environment. Something deeper was going on inside him.

What We Usually Mean When We Say “Psychological Safety”

Thanks to Amy Edmondson and thought leaders like her, psychological safety has become a common (and important) theme in leadership circles. Companies like Google have declared it the top predictor of team success. And it makes sense: when we feel free from the fear of humiliation, retribution, or exclusion, we show up more fully. We take risks. We innovate. We speak the truth.

I’ve had bosses who created those environments—firm but fair, challenging but safe. And yes, I did my best work in those settings.

But the prevailing conversation has become overly one-sided: “If leaders create the right conditions, then we’ll feel safe.”

And while that’s partially true, it leaves something critical out: our own role in co-creating that safety.

Have We Outsourced Our Psychological Safety?

It’s easy to say, “This team isn’t psychologically safe,” and point to the boss or the culture. It’s harder—but far more productive—to ask, “What’s happening inside me that makes this feel unsafe?”

I once worked with a team that consistently delivered exceptional work. Their leader was known for brutal feedback—some would say harsh. But the team members didn’t just survive—they thrived. They even described it as one of the most meaningful chapters of their careers.

Why? Because the team had a shared language of growth. Feedback wasn’t personal. It was expected. And perhaps most importantly, they had done the inner work to take critique as fuel, not fire.

They didn’t wait to be handed psychological safety. They helped create it. Together.

Let’s Be Clear: Unsafe Systems Still Exist

Now, I want to be careful here. This isn’t a blanket “toughen up” message.

There are bosses who manipulate. Teams that exclude. Cultures that reward silence and punish truth-telling. There are truly toxic environments, and I’ve been in a few. In those places, reclaiming your agency may look like leaving, not “leaning in.”

So no, this isn’t about excusing dysfunction. It’s about reclaiming the part of psychological safety that belongs to us—the part that no manager, system, or policy can provide.

Inner Psychological Safety: The Work We Don’t Talk Enough About

There’s a road we travel—often unconsciously—that takes us from confidence to self-doubt, from groundedness to fear. It’s rarely the environment alone. More often, it’s what that environment activates in us.

Old wounds. Unresolved trauma. Childhood patterns. Deep-seated fears of rejection or failure that have never really left us.

We carry those experiences into the workplace whether we mean to or not. And when a boss raises an eyebrow or a colleague dismisses our input, it doesn’t just sting—it echoes.

That’s why the real foundation of psychological safety begins inside. It starts with the inner work—the stuff most leadership books skip over because it’s not easy to systematize.

Doing “The Work”

Doing the work means coming to terms with the stories we’ve internalized. The shame we carry. The parts of ourselves we’ve pushed down or armored up. It means digging into the question: Why did that moment trigger me so deeply?

Sometimes it means therapy. Sometimes it means slowing down long enough to listen to the inner dialogue we’ve tried to outrun. Sometimes it means facing things we’ve avoided for decades—grief, rejection, betrayal, failure.

And doing the work isn’t about “fixing” yourself. It’s about coming back to yourself.

When we build a strong internal sense of self—one that isn’t dependent on external approval or perfectly safe conditions—we become more resilient, more grounded, and paradoxically, more available for genuine connection and collaboration.

We stop flinching at every perceived threat. We learn to speak up—not recklessly, but from a place of deep alignment. And we can set boundaries without burning bridges.

That’s not just psychological safety. That’s psychological strength.

Reclaiming Our Role in an Imperfect World

We’re never going to live in a world full of perfect leaders, flawless team dynamics, or conflict-free environments. And waiting for those things to happen before we show up fully is a recipe for frustration and stagnation.

The invitation here isn’t to ignore bad environments. It’s to build the internal scaffolding that allows us to see clearly, speak confidently, and act courageously even when things aren’t perfect.

That’s how real safety is co-created.

The Invitation

If you’ve been waiting for someone to make it safe for you to fully show up—

maybe the person you’ve been waiting for is you.

Let’s build the kind of safety that no one can take away.